It has been over a year since I left Albania. I now feel like I can write on my experience and decision to ET (Early Termination) from the Peace Corps. It was not an easy decision and there are some things I would do differently if I would do it again. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but something that I needed to do.
My time in Albania was filled with some of the happiest moments of my life and some of the lowest moments. Sometimes I felt like I was bi-polar because my feelings could change so suddenly. I knew going into it it was going to be a hard job and I would feel down and their would be times when I felt useless, but I just didn’t expect how often I would feel that way. Feeling useless is not an easy thing when you go to a different country with the hopes of making a difference in a community. I went with these expectations, which I admit were high, but are also hard not to form. Eastern Europe is a hard assignment. You aren’t digging wells and tangibly changing and improving the life of a community. Your accomplishments are small and are on an individual level, which is hard to see while you are there. I see now that I did make an impact.
I would go to work each day and, occasionally, I would get to teach, but most days I would just sit and observe due to the fact that my counterpart didn’t want to let go of her classes. She was an excellent teacher, but I wanted to try and help contribute to the lessons and appeal to different learning styles. I wanted to help her learn how to lesson plan, but we could never find time because she was so busy. I do not blame her for how I felt, though. I now see that there were things that I should have tried harder to do, such as appealing more to her schedule, like going to her apartment and working with her while she cleaned or even going and trying to work more with the 9-vjecare (elementary school). I tried to come up with projects, but couldn’t get them off the ground. My director (principal) at the school changed a couple times, which made it difficult to get a good footing. Most days, I sat for six hours in class and then went home and sat some more. I was bored and felt really guilty about it.
Not feeling like you are doing much in your job is one thing, but when it starts to mix with the difficulty of cultural differences it begins to be hard. Every time I would exit my apartment I would hear lewd comments geared toward me because of my sex. I would go into cafes and everyone would stare at me, because it usually was only men. I could ignore these things if I felt like I was accomplishing something, but once again I felt useless.
It began to get to the point that I was happier when I left my site than when I was in it. I tried to leave more often, but then it just made going back even harder. I started crying all the time. I started wishing that if I just stepped of the curb wrong I would hurt my ankle and the Peace Corps would have to send me home. Then I wouldn’t have to make the hard decision to leave. It was right around then, when I began dreaming of hurting myself, that I knew I was not healthy and I needed to change something.
I began to consider ETing. I talked with the medical officer, who was very helpful and listened. I discussed it with my family and other PCVs. Once I made the decision, I waited a month to make sure that it was the right one. I felt like I was doing everything, but if I was honest with myself there were several things I could have done to try to improve life. I wish I had discussed my feelings more with the PC staff. I wish I had asked if I could get a site relocation. I wish I had even reached out more to the families in the community I was close to. It was for these reasons that I felt like a failure and guilty for ETing and not (completely) the fact that I left early. If I would have tried all of those things and still felt the same way I would have come to the same decision and maybe without the guilt and feeling of failure.
I realize now that I was not a failure and do not have a reason to feel guilty. It was a learning experience. I learned to look at all possible solutions before taking drastic action. I learned that sometimes the hardest decision is the right one and to not be afraid to make it. I learned that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was and that sometimes just by smiling at someone you are making a difference and helping someone else have a better day.
Even though I left the Peace Corps, I still consider it the best experience of my life and would recommend it to anyone. I learned more about myself and other people than I would have learned in ten years doing something else. It may not have been easy and had many low points, but I will always look back on my experience with fondness and will never forget the amazing people I met and the lessons I learned.
